Sleepyhead

I love libraries. The actual "libraries" where people go to when they actually wanna do some "work". I love quiet places and some spots in uni's libraries are very quiet and peaceful, all you hear is d ticking clocks and papers flipped andddd maib some "yawnings". lol.

Ahh, talking about uni, my favourite thing/place in uni is d big black thing next to d student union! It's nothing tho, juz a black steel wif weard/unique shape, but I lovvveeeee it, I love sitting under d tree (on d bench) somewhere there, where I can look straight and stare at it. It's wonderful. One of d reasons whi I love Wednesdays is bcozzzzzzz.... I got 1 hour (or maib more) to sit at my favourite place and stare at my favourite thing in uni. Talk and daydream. It's wonderful. *smileeeeeeeee*


I dun usually drink coffee, in fact, i dislike its smell and after-taste, but dis morning, i drank 2 HUGE cups of coffee + a can of energy drink, whi??? to keep me AWAKE!! but they didnt work, not at all, i still fell asleep in d train and felt extremely sleepy and tired at lecture and tute. Pfft caffeine!

Dis feeling is realli torturing. I feel sick and dead. >.<
I slept so much yesterday, last nite and 2 nites ago and yet I still felt (and feel) sleepy plus dead.
What issss wwwrrruuuoonnggg???!?!?!?


When we get too close to someone, we can hardly control ourselves, our emotions. The anger when he/she does/doesnt do something (maib a very very trivial thing), d "distance"...... hrmsss.. i shud stop rite there. ohwellsss... Do you when do flaws turn into charms? It's when you're deeply in love, and blinded by it. No, I'm NOT in love!!


I get contented and angry very easily. I can laff like I'm d happiest person in d world and I can cry very loudly like a lil kid. My mood can change in seconds, like a roller coaster, hrmss... like "sin graph" or "Melbourne's weather". lol. (i remembered someone said dat to me last year!) I havent grown up, yet, but I believe I will, one day, maib soon. =]


I'm not complaining nor whining. I'm juz letting it out. at least 60% is out.


Ukh... I know it's a long pointless blog, toooooo baddddd... I felt like typing and blogging. =]

Different but the same

It was different, it is different.
Juz when I thought you were different,
you turned out to be juz d same.

It's hard to always be a nice, tolerant, understanding person.
It's hard for me to accept changes when I'm not ready for them.
I know it's trivial, very trivial, I would say,
but somehow it upset me.

I thought you were different but you are you, and you turned out to be d same.
Disappointing.

Bittersweet Memories

Dis morning, I had "rereading emails" session. lol.
They reminded me of soooooo many things,
-how childish, silly and annoying I was (not saying dat I've changed much. lol)
-how lovely my friends are, the emails they sent made me went "awwww.. he/she is so sweeetttt..."
-how mean one of them was (in 2004 - u shud know who you are. lol) , after a very very very long emails i sent, dat person only replied me 1 sentence and full-stop. *ouch*
-i dun even remember some "people" actually sent me emails, cant remember dat I used to talk to or close wif them. mehhhhh... wat a bad friend!! >.<
-anddddd for some reasons, i no longer keep in contact wif some people dat i used to be very very very close wif. it's sad, remembering how close we were, and now, we dun even talk animore, not at all.

about d third point, the weird thing is, now, i'm close wif dat person. very close, i can say. i dun have to force dat person to reply my emails/msgs or talk to me on msn (how pathetic, i know! lol), we juz "automatically" talk. haha. it's not funnnnnnnn animore!! no more challenge!! lololol.... nahhhh.. joking!!! it's good! =]

Newaiz, i'm supposed to go to city wif bro today, to get my visa printed on passport (i think), but bro said he's busy and i cbs too!! lol.

Juz to let you know...

I'm not always happy, you know... I try to...
I, myself, dont know why I'm always smiling and laffing when you're around..

Being honest is good, it helps you to let go, to forgive yourself..

"because the snap judgements, the ones that come to us easilly, quickly, without hesitation, there are the ones that haunt us forever"

"DATE"

Cant be stuffed continuing yesterday's post. After all, it didnt end up dat bad. It wasnt dat good, but it's better than a few hours before "d end".

I know I've said dis gazillion times, but I feel like saying it again, I HATE SAYING GOOD-BYES!!! I hate it more than I hate eating ginger/carrots/pepper!! "good-bye", "bye" isnt always good. whi issit called "good-bye"?? It's d last thing evione sais before they part. They part and not knowing when they'll b able to say "good-hi" again. I hate uncertain things, uncertain feelings. Waiting and parting are ones of the uncertain things i hate. I hate it when "when can I see she/him?" or "whi are they not here yet?" or "what took them so long?" echo in my brain. The anxiety, the uncertainty, the fears, they juz keep attacking me when I'm waiting or saying "good-byes".

Oh wellsssss... Life goes on and so I am moving on... =]

Love my hair tonite, it's so soft, silky and shiny!! love love love!! TRIPLE "S"!!! LOL! It wont b long tho, by tomorrow afternoon, it'll b very stink stink, oily and disgusting.. >.<

All d thoughts about "hopes", "expectations", "successful", "failure" reminded me of d equilibrium equation I invented last year!! LOL.

Dreamy

There are reasons whi I love daydreaming. First of all, in d dreamland, you can choose when to quit. In the reality, when shits happen, you got no choice but to stress.

newaiz. continue later. going to airport now.

Pathetic

A good and happy start. Plans arranged. Ready. In the car. Quiet. Camera. Kiddo photos. Quiet. Started talking. Quiet. Talked louder. Louder. Louder. Quarrel. Quiet. Questions. Fought. Another voice. Louder. Tears. Louder. Tears. Tears. Quiet. Louder. Another voice. Louder. VERY VERY loud. Annoyed. More tears. Home. Complains. Listen. Quiet. New plans. Angry. Disappointed. Quiet.

Doesnt make sense yea? dun worry, it makes perfect sense to me.

I love both of you. but I love her more. In fact, I love her d most. Dunno whi it hurt so much. I understand how hard it is to really apologise.

Yay!

I'm very very happy and satisfied with my Micro test's result!!!! YAY!!! I thought I'd fail! lololol!!! HAPPY!!!!! teeeehhhheeeeeeeeee........ WIIiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!! =]

They said, the first person that pops out in your mind when something very happy happen is d person you love the most. =]

Premonition

You do not understand me at all, yet you critisize and judge me. I cant accept it. I'll prove it to you that I can do what you think I cant. Screw you.

Stop acting as if you know me, juz because we have "something" related, it doesnt mean you know me. If you wonder why you and I can never get along, then blame yourself because you never made an effort to at all.

Hell, it's still early in d morning and you made me so aggro already.

I've lost so many things that I didnt appreciate when I had them. When I knew I've lost it, it was too late to regret, to feel sad. I dun want it to happen again, but it keeps happening, and I did the same thing over and over again.

I D K

I'm EXHAUSTED!!!
There are times when I wanna end all these so much but there are some other times when I want things to remain like this forever. Mood swings. Is dat even an excuse? I suppose, we react differently to different situations. IDK!

Am I wrong for not doing anithing? Will I be wrong if I do it? Was I wrong when I did it? IDK!

Uni is getting better and better. Dats a good thing, isnt it?

I finally got over some things (quite big), which is another good thing, but d bad thing is, I got more "burden-ing" things to "think" about. It'd be easy if I can set my mind what to think and what not to.

Micro test, report for concert, QM assignment and Micro assignment are killing my brain cells and my mood.

I'll sacrifice. For you.

Obligations

WHY NOW??
Aarrgghh!! you retard!!

The fears I feel is worse than before. I tried to avoid things, but I failed. I tried to do soooo many things and I failed doing soooooo many things too!! It's either I didnt try hard enuf or it's meant to be.

Oh wells. Get over it.

I feel d "sadness", the "regrets" now. It came all in sudden when I saw "it". Still uncertain about it, but it kinda affect me. It'll b gone soon tho, very soon, I believe.

You were rite, I dun have the "sixth sense" dat most of the girls do. My feelings are always wrong, hrmss..... most of the time they're wrong (it sounds better). lol.

Frustration

Hopes. Wishes. They are the two stupidEST things in d world.

Without them, life is wonderful. Things happen all in sudden, surprises, doesnt matter whether the surprises are good or bad, we could tolerate them. Well, I could. BUT, when the stupid hopes are up, when there are dreams to pursue, when there are plans for the future, it feels good at d beginning, but once something bad happen d hopes, dreams and plans and none of them seems "possible", it's very disappointing. and I hate feeling disappointed.

I'm disappointed. Very very disappointed.

I had questions to ask, but wat you said, what you did a few minutes ago answered my tonnes of questions. What I thought, what I felt, they're all gone now. GONE. good for you!

I'm angry, but it's useless. I'm sad, but cant do anithing. It's you. You knew dat nothing good will happen, but you did it aniway. You gave me hope and you destroyed it. Stuff you.

Whi do I have to feel like a kid? Whi do I feel happy so easily? Whi do I always plan things when I knewwwww dat planning is useless and it would hurt more if they dont happen?

IF I didnt plan or imagine things, IF I dint get too excited/happy, then I wouldnt feel as disappointed.

So many "whys" and "ifs", but whats happening is d truths, needa stop "why-ing" and "if-ing". Smile smile smile, is d best I can do for now. =] I can do it!












I hate waiting. I hate guessing. I hate feeling like crap. I hate feeling very very very vulnerable. I hate it when I have to hold my tears. I hate saying "good-byes". I hate feeling guilty.
*Random, I know.


No one told me dat it would be easy, but no one told me dat it would be dis hard too. So, who to blame? NO ONE!!

See and think before you do

Serzly, people needa b more considerate, before they start their freaking lame not-funny jokes, they shud see other people's moods too!

Juz forgive me for my aggro mood today, anyone, anyone who became d "victims", my day didnt start out dat "great" and it totally ruined my mood for d whole day.

On d bright side, congratulation to my one and only gorgor who graduated his bachelor degree today. Sorry I couldnt go.

Thank you for you-know-who-you-are. I felt good and very vulnerable when you questioned me, "Are you okay??".

It's d jealousy dat is very very uncontrollable.

Issit okay to be selfish?

Cant you juz listen for once? Listen to what other people think or wanna say!! Stop being so selfish, arrogant and infuriating.

Why do you guys always treat me like I can never grow up? Like I'm forever the "little" one? "Kids cant do dis and dat. And you're one of them." What is wrong wif you people? It's not dat pleasant to be treated like a lil kiddo all d time.

I thought my emotions and anger were under control, but what happened today proved dat they're still out of control. I thought I was stronger, but no, I still cry over lil things. What has improved is my "smiling" skill, it surprised me to be able to smile when I felt like crying and yelling inside.

I juz wanna stay with you longer. Juz a lil bit longer would be good. but I dunwanna be selfish either, I must learn how to let go of things. Life would b some much easier if I could.

Missing puzzle..

We always think we know somebody until that person does something unexpected and then everything changes. It's harder for me to accept your unreasonable disappearance/change than knowing that I've done something wrong that upset you.

Beliefs

Dont say things when you dont mean them.. You never know how many people could get hurt by the words you uttered, by the words that you didnt mean to say.

I'm such an insomniac. =[

Butterfly in the stomach

Before, I used to think, changes are good. Not anymore now. I'm scared it would change. It cant be d same forever. It's juz, how shud i react when it happens?

It feels so far away now. Very different. The smiles, the laughters, the lil talks, they aint d same animore. Yet, I have no idea what to do. I was expecting it before, but it starts happening when I'm not ready yet. Will I ever be ready?

I suppose I shudnt have tried so hard before. I shall take things easily now. Stop putting too much pressure on myself, start looking at what I have now instead of looking at what I dont have and smile genuinely.

Spilled out

"When the benefits or costs of different actions alter, it is to be expected that rational decision-makers will change the actions they choose"

but there are still possibilities for the "rational" decision makers not to change the actions they choose.

It's surely happening to me AGAIN. D history repeats itself... =[

Ups and Downs

I was so tempted to say something juz now, but the words stuck in my throat and i couldnt spill them out. No reason, maib, I dunno d reason, juz couldnt. And now, they do not only stuck in my throat, but also inside me! It feels damn bad. >=[

We cant always discover good things, we discover bad things too. I keep discovering bad things recently, surprisingly, I no longer put the "poopface" on animore. I've quited dat *face changing* actions! OR maib i havent, it's juz, the bad things arent bad enuf to change my face for now. lol. I'm so unsure about everything. I'm sure about NOTHING. ZERO. NIL. which is bad, but i cant help it. I suppose, whenever I say "i cant help it", it's bcoz I juz cant b stuff changing stuff, cant b stuff putting d effort to improve things. oh wells.

Ahh.. and another thing about "discovery", sometimes what you discover maib disappointing, but really, juz get over it. I realised, by doing dat, it mite make me as an ignorant person, but what's d point feeling upset/sad over something dat is juz not worth it? Easy to say, hard to do..

I wanna learn how to say "NO" at the "right" time. I really do. I need to be pro at it to b a happier person. M A Y B E .

Are you worth it?

Contemplating

I've never felt good enuf, I mite, one day, when I can really appreciate what I have, accept who I am truly.

Decisions are really hard to make when we're worrying too much about what others think or say.

In the middle of the night

You were once in my dream. ONCE, a very short dream. And now, whenever I see you, eventho you can never ever ever see me, I feel dis weird pain. Dont know whi, but I do. It's really amazing how dreams can change the way you look at stuff, the way you feel about stuff. It's amazing and absurd. I'm wondering wat was dat dream trying to tell me.

Stuck and helpless

It's a scary thought. I feel very paranoid. I'm worrying too much, thinking too much. Couldnt really concentrate on the last double lecture. The things kept coming into my mind. What if it's true? Issit fate? It shudnt be..

I think I'm starting to like uni. A BIT. I needa start making new friends tho. It's really hard to start a convo wif someone you dont know. well, dats what i think aniway. and it gets really awkward when d two new "friends" keep quiet and juz dun say anithing.

I am always happy on Wednesday! I think it's because of you.. =]

It happened to me once and I was the victim. I dont want it to happen again. No matter what role I will play if it happens again, I dont want it to happen again. DO NOT WANT. I know how much it hurts and d scary "hatred".

Cant wait til next Tuesday!!! Parents r coming!!! YAYY!!!! hrmss... parents coming, it means..... I gotta finish most of my hw/assignments for d next 2 weeks before they come, which is THIS WEEK!!!! -sighhzzzzz-

I feel annoyed sometimes, I know it's mean, but I cant help it. IF one day you realised this thing is about you (which i doubt you would), I wanna apologise.. I know you're juz being you, but apparently I'm not d same person as I was before anymore.

Somewhere in nowhere

Sometimes, dont you juz wish you can have the both feelings without feeling bad?
I am wishing dat...

It shudnt come again, I wont let it come again. It will stay 100000000000000000m away from me and it wont b able to get into me animore. It wont!

Supply what they demand. Thanx for dat.. =]

What would a real friend do?

Yeh, I kinda have this friendship problems thing lately.

Sometimes I really wonder, what kind of person/friend I am. It's easy for me to say/think, "I would do this and dat if this and dat happened", but when the "this and dat" is actually happening, I cant help but taking the opposite option (d one dat MIGHT b d wrong option), eventho I know dat by taking dat option, it'll make me as a selfish person. Instead of feeling bad, I would think of 100000000 excuses to make myself feel better, shelthering myself from d fact dat I am selfish. Is that what you do as a friend?

Oh wells, what to do? I tried to anticipate the "dis and dat", but I failed. I wont apologise, bcoz it wont solve d problems and it's not necessary bcoz I didnt intend to do it, I didnt intend to "betray" you. What I know, I've tried my best and I wont regret it. I'll let time flushes dis thought/feeling away.

It'll b fine.. =]

Someone named "friend"

It's realli annoying and frustrating when a "friend" treats you like crap..
Especially when yeh....... When I needed you to treat me nicely, you gave me cold shoulder, and then, when i've completely kicked you out from my "goodfriends" list and stop wishing ani nice treatment from you, you start treating me like....... i dunno, very very nice, very caring and all dat crap. I was happy and confused when I read d sentences you typed on msn, but after i thought about it again, it upset me. It made me questioned myself if I was d one who "expected" too much from a "friend" like you or r u hiding something from me or whatever excuses.. What you did to me has proven how unimportant i am as ur friend. Actually, I dun even know if you've ever treated/thought of me as ur friend.

Dis blog doesnt make much sense to you people, but it makes perfect sense to me. Yes, you are rite, dis blog is about a "friend" who i'm upset at atm.. A friend dat I used to care so much and thought about all d time.. USED TO.

AHHH!!!! I'm happy tho!!! I'm excited! very excited!! lol. I learnt dis new word from "someone" last nite (dis person wants to remain anonymous), d word is.... "supercalifragilisticexpialidocious". It's so cool, isnt it? Took me a while to remember d spelling!! lolol!! It's a word, ppl!!! omg!! hahahaah.. thank you for lighten up my day!! =]

You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not d only one..

I believe if one has a strong will to make something happen, then he/she will b willing to put d biggest effort to make it happen.. I cant get d feeling dat you're putting ani effort on anithing, and so I assume dat you dun have "enuf" will to make things happen..

Promises are made to b done, rite?

Arrgghhh!!! I needa stop sitting in front of my laptop, i needa put it away!!! There is homework to be done!!! Blame on d laziness!!! *blameblameblame*!!!! I got soooo many things to do, but i juz cbs doing them.. none of them!!! which is super duper triper (is dat even a word?) extremely bad!!! I realli need to stop my brain thinking "there is tomorrow, no rush!" =[

Refresh

Some things... some things remain d same, no change.. it's good! =]
actually, some changes are good too!
Yes, XXXX, I'm a "happier" person now, but i'm not always happy!

Met Yan after I dunno how long,
we were in d same lecture!!
and we're gonna b in d same lecture next week and MAYBE tute as well.. hopefully!!!! >.<
Seeing her made me sooooooo happy!! Very very very very very happy!! =]

Parents r arriving on d 18th!!! YAYY!!!!!
onli for a week tho.. =[
oh wells, it's better than nothing!

My dear wife, I'll reply ur email as soon as possible..
I'm sorry!! Soon!! very soon!! =]

Sometimes

Sometimes what people said hurt us and sometimes what we said hurt people..
Oh wells, it's life.
Nothing and no one is perfect.
I'll be fine.. I've promised and so I will.

Sometimes you juz need someone to say something "right",
something simple dat can make you feel soooo much better,
Very simple. Simple. Short. Dats it. and you feel better. you smile.

Trapped

It used to be, not animore..
Different now..

When you cry, and someone comforts you by saying "it'll be fine.. dont cry", would it make you stop crying or cry even more? It made me cry even harder. Dont know whi.. Thank you.

I was happy when i came bak home, i was still happy when i started talking to people on msn, i was still in very good mood when i turned on itunes and listened to a song, but juz in a snap, a second, my good mood turned into very bad mood. I'm sad. Yes I am.

What goes around comes around

My Indo trip, after rethinking about it, it was d best trip ever. I learnt more about my family, I knew things dat I didnt know before, being told about some family "secrets". I realised d amazing comfort and warmth I felt when I was wif my mom in my home home.

BUT i didnt know about 1 thing, dat one of my sisters does care and love her family. I was blinded by one side stories. Reading wat she wrote hurts me, coz I've always thought about her as an ignorant daughter/sister (but she's NICE!!!), again, bcoz of d "stories". It upset me so much when I heard the stories about her, what she did, it made me angry at her. wats worse was, i never asked her myself, ask her how does she feel and whi did she do all those.. Instead, i randomly blamed everything on her.

I dun realli understand her, precisely, I dont understand her at all, we seldom talk, she was sent to overseas when i was 2 or 3 years old. She told me once dat she couldnt recognise me when we first met after years, she was surprised at how big and tall I've grown, she only remembers my 3 yo face. I cant even remember her face sometimes, I have to look at her photos, which is very bad. I apologise, sis.. I miss you so much and I wanna talk to you so badly.

Dis teaches me not to always listen from one side, but both sides